Athletes Can Help Us Be Better Parents… If We Will Let Them.
Over my time coaching at Peak I’ve had people ask about when kids should lift or start agility training and what the best methods might be for such an endeavor. But over the past 2 years I've had more parents than I can count want to get their son or daughter in the gym with us before they are 12 years old. I applaud the parents for being on top of their kid’s training but this athletic culture we live in today in the states is crushing young people. It is grinding them up and shitting them out on the daily. I only make a statement such as that because of my experience with years of mental work with high school and college athletes.
While we love to work with young athletes when they get to middle school, I would like to extend a few words from a coach to help set your athlete in a healthy mental and emotional space, as well as put them on a trajectory to love the game for the longterm. And maybe somewhere along the way we will value what our kid wants more than what we as parents or coaches want for them.
This list is ever changing. Year to year it shifts slightly for me as a coach and as a parent based off of my own experience with my kids and the athletes we work with. I wish I would have had a mentor tell me these things 15 years ago but I didn’t so I’m sharing with anyone who will listen. Some of these will cause us to get defensive because we parents have done them but maybe that’s where #13 comes into play.
Read.
Consider.
And, when in doubt, love your kid for who they are, rather than what you want them to be.
1. If you want your son or daughter to be more "athletic" before they get to junior high, when they are young let them play for hours barefoot, climb trees, jump out of the trees, play tag, ride bikes, jump on a trampoline, and anything else to get them moving in a variety of planes. If they are on smooth surfaces get them out of their shoes. Shoes aren’t made to make the foot strong. A weak base leads upstream to a variety of problems in the future. Get those feet strong. All of the tag, jumping, landing, etc is real world plyometric training.
2. Focus on development not winning. Seek out coaches and clubs that look to develop players not only create winning teams. Some clubs do both and this is incredible and rare. Find those who want to develop your son or daughter for the future.
3. Avoid coaches that blame players for anything, especially a loss. In fact, run from these coaches. They create victim mentalities and shame within your son/daughter. This mentality is rooted in a coach’s insecurity and/or fear. Even when the team does nothing the coach set out to do, great leaders don't blame losses on players (especially a 16 year old kid, much less a 10 year old). Great leaders take responsibility for things outside of their control.
4. Avoid coaches that use manipulation or guilt to get work done. Too many coaches use guilt and shame to coerce athletes to be in the gym. Most of the time these tactics are used because the coach can’t create true buy-in. This coaching style leads to burnout and a loss of love for the game. Manipulative phrases leave an athlete feeling like they are never enough. Then years later we wonder why athletes struggle with burnout or confidence issues in high school. These athletes are often referred to as “head cases”. The mental struggle is largely because the athlete was not taught to be curious, they were taught to live out of fear.
5. Find coaches that understand progression and don’t kill your kid every workout. Proper lifting, speed, etc programming and sport practices are designed well before an athlete laces up. They are designed with purpose to get from point A to B to C and so on. Purposeful programming leads to goals. Not every workout needs to kill your kid with intensity and volume. There should be light and hard days for a reason. You shouldn't put in the same time in practice or lifting all year. It varies based on the time of year and what sport being played. Coaches that say otherwise don't understand how the body works or they don't care or their ego is too big to ask for help. The easiest tell for this is if your kid has the same lifts all year long or practice time doesn’t taper down moving toward district play and playoffs.
6. MORE IS NOT ALWAYS BETTER. PURSPOSEFUL REPS are what you should seek. Whether it takes 2 hours or 20 mintues, the reps need to be purposeful. (I once heard a ProSkills trainer tell kids they should be able to get a shooting/ball handling workout in 45 minutes). Listen to the pros. Not all workouts need to last 60 minutes. Some need to take 15 minutes and that’s enough. That doesn't mean you won’t have long days, but having a club practice that last 3 hours 2-3x a week on top of tournaments, lifting, privates and more is absurd. Coaches that understand proper rest times, work times, intensity and volume is crucial. If your club or school coach has your kid training more hours than a college coach has their athletes, they don't know what they’re doing so they think more is better. Coaches who don’t utilize their time well, waste your time, your kids time and your family time. No sport time is more important than family time. This leads to #7…
7. Balance is everything. As a parent you’re either teaching life balance or not and your kids is soaking it up. If your child is playing more games in a summer than they do in a school season, this is not balance. This is often rooted in a parent’s desire for their kids to be number one and so they feel the need to go to everything. Say no to club coaches. Limit tournaments in the off season. Don’t allow your childs athletic success to determine your worth as a parent.
8. Find a movement coach that can breakdown the movement for your athletes development. In today’s world there is so much fluff on the internet around training. Ladder drills for example don’t give football athletes good feet. They are great tools if utilized correctly. But kids that are good on the ladder still have terrible feet as a defensive back. Avoid coaches that coach the drill. It’s the movement and breakdown thereof that matters.
9. If you as a parent don’t understand proper lifting programming and conditioning programming STOP taking your kid to the gym and the track. Find a coach who will help you or that you can send your athlete to. Ive seen far too many parents who don’t have a clue about lifting, conditioning, jump training speed training, sprint technique, etc, etc, etc, take on this role. If you don’t know the science stop doing this - you’re shooting in the dark praying it will help. When you do it wrong, your child will operate at a lower percentage output then you will be pissed because he/she isn’t fast or giving enough effort. Bad reps are bad reps. Bad programming and reps lead to overtraining and then to a higher potential for injury. Find the guru.
10. Stop pushing “mental toughness”. This is the most misinterpreted idea in the sports world today and often leads to feelings of inadequacy rather than empowerment.
11. BE THE PARENT not the coach. Be supportive. Love more. Critique less. Wait 24 hours before talking about a game that just occurred. If you take your kid to the gym or cages, mix in conversation about life, friends, tv, anything but sports while they work. Be the greatest rebounder for them. Shag all the balls. Just hit and talk. Be a great dad or mom.
12. Allow them to find their passion, don’t hand it to them. If they love baseball and you hate it, be the greatest baseball fan ever. Their passions are not yours and praise god for that.
13. “I’m sorry” and “I don’t know” need to be in your parental vocabulary. Knowing when you need to apologize and then doing it will build a trust and love between you and your kids unlike anything else. It will help them understand you make mistakes too. It also teaches them how to own up to their own mistakes taking responsibility for the pain caused. “I don’t know” is crucial. It signals authenticity. As a parent be unwilling to fake it. Admit you don’t know so you can show the willingness to seek out help from people who know what it is you don’t.